Pirates Guarantee More Years of Failure, Hire Military Guru to Indoctrinate Minor Leaguers

17 consecutive losing seasons are not nearly enough for the Pirate brain trust. They have just taken steps to destroy their productive minor league system, guaranteeing more years of mediocrity.

The dolts now running the Pirates have chosen to place the development of the team’s future players in the hands of one Bernie Holliday, a “mental conditioning expert” who spent the last five years at West Point, injecting his methods into the training of the US military. In my research for this post, I found not a hint that the current leadership of West Point, or the Army at any level, made any attempt to persuade this “mental conditioning” guru to stay.

What amazing new methods does he plan to utilize to turn young ballplayers into major league stars? Get a load of this:

“We’re introducing technology into the process. We will create personalized visualization scripts for the players. They’ll come up with the way they want to play the game, put together the scenario they want to experience and the way they want to perform in that scenario, and we put it on an iPod or iPhone and they can listen to it and rehearse it.” Can a military mind whip Pirates into winners? Yahoo Sports, March 1, 2010

Wow. Listening to scripts on an iPod. (Note – The Pirates could have gotten some old Tony Roberts, Dr. Phil, or even Dale Carnegie tapes at a swap meet and saved a bundle.) Who would ever have thought that you could become a major leaguer by thinking about doing well, not to mention listening to yourself talk about it. No more wasted hours practicing. Why bother. Oh, Holliday says that the success of this program will depend on getting all of the Pirate coaches to get on board. You know, coaches – veteran baseball people, who, well, actually have played and taught the game. Sure, they’ll be more than willing to help with this madness. Though they will be shaking in their spikes that they will be iPoding themselves out of their jobs.

This idea is just as brilliant and has just as much chance of success as the Cub’s plan of rotating managers, circa 1962.

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